Before Vincent was born i had decided i was going to breastfeed, infact It was never even a question of whether i was going to or not, i just was. It was the right choice for me. I had chose to have a baby because i wanted to be a mom, not just because i wanted a baby. I wanted everything that came with being a mom and i didn't want to take the easy way out and breeze through it. I wanted the experience and I wanted to research it and make all the right choices for us. I wanted to be involved in it heart and soul, i wanted to consume it and be the best i could ever be at it. I had never been so fully passionate about anything in my life as i was about becoming and being a mother.

No women in my family breastfed, atleast not that i had ever seen or heard of. Believe it or not i had only seen one woman that i can even remember breastfeed in front of me and it happen to be when i was pregnant with Vincent. Too me she was an ideal mom, we would sit and talk for the short hour or so that i visited, she was smart and for the first time i felt like i had met someone who shared the same passion for being a mother as i did. When i would talk to her about things i read or things i wanted she knew what i was talking about, it didn't go in one ear and out the other, she actually had input and advice. I watched her as she breastfed her son and i was inlove with the bond and closeness they seemed to share and i was inlove with the fact that she didn't take the easy way out. She knew what she wanted as a mother and she knew she had choices and she took advantage of them. This same woman is the first mother i had ever personally met that had tried for a homebirth.

I was intrigued because i had never met another woman who took such passion in her mothering choices. In my family it seemed as if we just got pregnant, went to the hospital and had the baby and then came home and took care of it. Its just the way it was done, and i knew no different and certainly if it was any different i wasn't ever aware of it. I mean i was aware that i had choices, i just wasn't aware that i could put them into action until i had found another mom like me. A mom who wanted to breastfeed, a mom who wanted to baby wear, a mom who wanted to teach her infant sign language and co-sleep and make her own baby food and spend hours reading about parenting and honestly enjoy it. I was all about it. This same mom bought me my first baby sling and showed me how to use it.

In the end breastfeeding didn't work out with Vincent and i, he was premature and had to stay at the hospital for three weeks and i was clueless about breastfeeding. I hadn't read enough, i hadn't learned enough and i just assumed it would just happen like it should. I thought it was going to be like two puzzle pieces that just fit together, but its not, its a skill. One that takes practice and patience.

We had went out and bought a breastpump after Vincent was born so that i could pump for him and so my milk wouldn't dry up, i set my clock to a feeding schedule and would pump ever three to four hours like i was supposed to. I stored my milk in our freezer and we would take it to Vincent in the NICU when we visited him. No one at the hospital really talked to me about breastfeeding or asked me or even told me to practice breastfeeding him in the hospital and then when he finally came home three weeks later it was too late. I felt like i had missed my oppertunity.

I continued to pump for another two months before it became too tiring and to wearing on my body and my nerves. Waking up around the clock to pump then feeding him and getting him back to sleep so that i could sleep just so that i could wake up again in an hour to pump and then do it all over again. I tired and i failed. I was relieved when i finally made the choice to stop, but my relief quickly turned to jealousy or envy when i would see other moms breastfeeding their babies. I was jealous of their bond and i envied the fact that she was a mom who stuck with it and was able to do it. I started to feel like i gave up too easy. I regretted giving up and i regretted not trying hard enough. It was a very sensitive spot for me.

then when i found out i was pregnant with Daxton, once again breastfeeding wasn't even a question. I was going to do it and its just the way it was going to be. I was going to read anything and everything i could about it. I was going to figure out who could help me, what my resources were and i was going to put them to full use. So far i have kept my word and I wont give up this time, i know how much it actually means to me now and i get a second chance to make it right and I'm going to take full advantage of it and this time in the end it will be Daxtons personal choice. I will do all i can on my side to make it work so it will be up to him if it works out or not, and i will be fine with whatever he chooses because ill know that i did the best i could this time.